Wednesday, March 11, 2015

To let him go..

Exactly two months since he left...

It was a traumatic event for me, I would say. 

I delivered my little baby boy prematurely at 27weeks (11th Jan @ 0946am) because I was having leakage due to infection. It was an unforgettable experience for me since it was my 1st pregnancy. It happened so fast..

My baby boy was so small and under weight when he was delivered. Moreover, he was born prematurely. And I was briefed by the gynae and doctors that there's risk for premature babies. Of course, I understood as I did my research before hand just in case. And also my baby will be placed in the incubator for almost 3months. 

So I have been praying ever since that my baby boy is a healthy little baby and he will be just fine and I can bring him home once he gained the desired weight. 

So the delivery was quick but hard. Heard my baby boy cried. And everything  seemed to be going smoothly. I was so tired after delivery because I was fasting the night before as the nurse wanted to do a glucose test. 

Since my baby boy was premature, the nurses quickly brought him away for a quick check on him and brought him to the NICU to put him into the incubator. I didn't have the opportunity to hold him and I truly regretted it until now. 

The 1st few days, my baby boy was in the incubator doing just fine and healthy. He even responded to us when we talked to him, smiled at us and moved around when we touched him. It was such an amazing feeling. 

We went to the JPN a few day after labour to register him and we got his birth certificate. We were so happy that we have the perfect name for him.

During his stay in the incubator, he got infected with infection but he was on antibiotics and he seemed less active compared to the 1st few days. So I prayed every day and night for his well being. 

Until on the 20th Jan, where he got infected with an infection which was too strong for his immune system to fight it and the doctor said he won't be able to make it because the infection has gone all the way to his brain. The doctor also said that now he is still breathing because of the oxygen support he is getting. 

I still remember the exact words the doctors said and everything. It's still so fresh in my brain. My husband and I broke down when the doctors said that. 

Eventually, we need to put out the oxygen support breathing and let him go in peace rather than suffering. He was having fits when the infection went all the way to his brain. Seeing your very own son in that state really hurts and what hurts the most was we have to decide to put out the breathing support. 

It was so devastating because there's nothing we can do but to let him go. 

And we did it. Before he left us, we had a chance to hold him in our arms, kissed him and talked to him. It was our 1st and last time holding him. I still remember how does his skins feel like, how big was his eyes and how perfect he was. He was our perfect little baby boy. 

My perfect little baby boy, Titus Choi has left us on the 20th Jan @ 9pm. 

I truly believe that he is at a better place now. No matter what, he will never forgetten and always be missed dearly by us. 

I cried when I was writing this post and I feel like I have to let it out so I'll feel better although I promised that I won't be crying anymore. I just couldn't help it. 

No one can truly understand how I feel and been through unless she/he/they was in the same situation as I am. 

Until today, I still think of him once in a while and no doubt I really miss him. I do wonder sometimes why he was the one to get the infection. Why him! 

I know that God has plan for me and maybe he was not meant to be my baby boy. So I leave it to fate and of course I'll try again and hoping for the best for the next pregnancies. 

It was a lifetime dreadful experience that I'll never forget. 

I'm grateful that I have all the support I needed by my husband, family members and friends. Thank you! 

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Still feeling it..

Ever since that incident until now, I still think about him and feeling the pain of losing. It feels like I have lost a part of me.  Trying to be strong and putting everything in the past aren't easy but I have to. I know I have to but sometimes I feel that I don't want it to be the past. I want him to be the present and will always be mine. It hurts. 

Many things have changed ever since. I'm not being myself and I know I'm so moody and I get angry more often ever since. 

It feels like why does this happen to me instead of others. I always question why me why me why me. And sometimes why him why him why him. 

I know God has plans for us but it doesn't feel right to take away someone who belongs to me.

Ya ya maybe he doesn't belongs to me. I have been hearing that so damn many times but I just wonder why! 

If only I knew...

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Life is so unfair

What a start for the year of 2015. I have so many plans for this 2015 and for now EVERYTHING has changed. I'm totally devastated and I don't know how am I gonna get through this. It's one of the hardest moment for me and also for my family members. So many people are affected with this unfortunate event. But I'm trying to input this sayings into my brain; what's not meant to be yours, it won't be yours. 

I'm trying to move on and letting it go but for the moment I can't. You have no idea what I've been through. Trust me, it hurts so badly until you feel that you gonna collapse one day.  

I need to be strong which I can't but I'll try. I'm not ready to say it out loud on what am I going through. I need more time. Time will heal right?  But in this situation, I don't think that time will heal. It will not and it will never be..

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Hello 2015!

The very first post of 2015! Hello everybody! Lets cheers to a better and blessed year ahead :) 

Am looking forward on what does 2015 awaits me. No matter what, let's just live our life to the fullest! Have a wonderful and amazing year ahead my dearest! :D 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014

2014 has come to the end. Time to say goodbye and look back on what it has been.

Let's do a recap on what I have achieved/gained during this amazing Year of the Horse *its mine year* 

1. Ended my 3years of service with MAS due to back injury and I'm proud to be part of MAS before. Great working experience, met many interesting people and able to travelled around. 

Keep flying higher MAS! Do us proud! 

2. Able to celebrate CNY properly and peacefully after 3 years of not being able to do so. Thanks to rejected annual leave. Boo 

3. Moved into the new house with the hubby! Although going through house renovation, deciding on furniture and everything were a hassle and some disagreement but we managed to build a lovely home for us and our future family! 

4. Got an office job nearby my mom's place with attractive monthly salary but it didn't work out due to dishonestly of the company and I decided to leave after 2months of working there. 

5. Held my Chinese customs wedding dinner and tea ceremony 6months after we're legally and lawfully married *ROM was on 8th Dec 2013* 

My wedding dinner wasn't as perfect as I wanted it to be but I'm truly glad with the outcome because I basically plan everything myself with just a small help from the hubby and hotel organizer. Not prefect but enough for us. It was a memorable day! *nothing is perfect anyways* 

6. Flew to a new destination. Florida checked! 

7. Becoming a MOTHER! Yeah that's right. I conceived this little miracle A MONTH after my chinese wedding and currently I'm enjoying every moment with this baby in my womb :)

This was taken during my scan on the 20th weeks. 

Was so excited when I was taking the pregnancy tests on the 9th of August, the day I departed for Florida *Total of 3 test haha* 


Expected due date will be in mid April 2015. Can't wait for another great year ahead!

Of course I won't say that everything goes smoothly for me in 2014 but it has been a great year as I'm able to achieve so much and to be a wife and mother in the same year, is a big achievement for me already. 

Life is full with ups and downs but I always carry this positive vibre with me.

So I would like to thank God for giving this such an amazing year with all the amazing people in my life. May the year of Goat be a good year for all of us. 

Happy New Year human!