Sunday, April 26, 2015

I'm so bored...

And I have nothing to do at home plus i'm pretty lazy to do anything. Hahaha. Still looking for inspirations to start blogging again.

Don't have the urge to blog nowadays. Feeling very dull and too occupied with work.
Thought of resigning and live my life as a full time housewife, can go for high tea and shopping any time I want :P

Till then! Happy Sunday..Tomorrow have to go work already @.@ 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Moving forward

Like the title said, moving forward. Life goes on no matter what. 

So since we can't celebrate CNY this year, we decided to have a getaway to Bali. We departed on the eve of CNY so we missed the reunion dinner :/ We were in Bali for only 3days due to the tight schedule of work

At MAS lounge since we took business class :)

Flight time was short. Approximately 3 hrs and it was a smooth flight.

Our hotel located in Seminyak, the not so busy city compared to Kuta. We just wanna have a relaxing holiday after everything happened. I was still in the confinement period so I can't swim, drink cold drinks and many more. I was in a strict confinement for a month but my hubby's grandma advised me to go up to 100days and I did. Better to be safe than sorry

@IZE Seminyak Hotel, just along the happening seminyak road :)

We enjoyed their local cuisine especially the babi guling *roasted pork* It was good according to the hubby. 

Went for massage everyday we were there. So cheap and relaxing :D 

Walking along the Seminyak road

Tried their local kuih. Something like pan cake that's what they called it 

Nasi Padang!

Next day, we went for a tour around Ubud and Seminyak area. Hired a driver for pretty cheap cost and the driver was really friendly.

Little shy monkey @.@

At the beach yo! 

Quite an expensive dinner

Our last breakfast while waiting for our driver to drive us to the airport. I need more massage!!

I look so bloated by then. All the water retention! Ugh :( 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

To let him go..

Exactly two months since he left...

It was a traumatic event for me, I would say. 

I delivered my little baby boy prematurely at 27weeks (11th Jan @ 0946am) because I was having leakage due to infection. It was an unforgettable experience for me since it was my 1st pregnancy. It happened so fast..

My baby boy was so small and under weight when he was delivered. Moreover, he was born prematurely. And I was briefed by the gynae and doctors that there's risk for premature babies. Of course, I understood as I did my research before hand just in case. And also my baby will be placed in the incubator for almost 3months. 

So I have been praying ever since that my baby boy is a healthy little baby and he will be just fine and I can bring him home once he gained the desired weight. 

So the delivery was quick but hard. Heard my baby boy cried. And everything  seemed to be going smoothly. I was so tired after delivery because I was fasting the night before as the nurse wanted to do a glucose test. 

Since my baby boy was premature, the nurses quickly brought him away for a quick check on him and brought him to the NICU to put him into the incubator. I didn't have the opportunity to hold him and I truly regretted it until now. 

The 1st few days, my baby boy was in the incubator doing just fine and healthy. He even responded to us when we talked to him, smiled at us and moved around when we touched him. It was such an amazing feeling. 

We went to the JPN a few day after labour to register him and we got his birth certificate. We were so happy that we have the perfect name for him.

During his stay in the incubator, he got infected with infection but he was on antibiotics and he seemed less active compared to the 1st few days. So I prayed every day and night for his well being. 

Until on the 20th Jan, where he got infected with an infection which was too strong for his immune system to fight it and the doctor said he won't be able to make it because the infection has gone all the way to his brain. The doctor also said that now he is still breathing because of the oxygen support he is getting. 

I still remember the exact words the doctors said and everything. It's still so fresh in my brain. My husband and I broke down when the doctors said that. 

Eventually, we need to put out the oxygen support breathing and let him go in peace rather than suffering. He was having fits when the infection went all the way to his brain. Seeing your very own son in that state really hurts and what hurts the most was we have to decide to put out the breathing support. 

It was so devastating because there's nothing we can do but to let him go. 

And we did it. Before he left us, we had a chance to hold him in our arms, kissed him and talked to him. It was our 1st and last time holding him. I still remember how does his skins feel like, how big was his eyes and how perfect he was. He was our perfect little baby boy. 

My perfect little baby boy, Titus Choi has left us on the 20th Jan @ 9pm. 

I truly believe that he is at a better place now. No matter what, he will never forgetten and always be missed dearly by us. 

I cried when I was writing this post and I feel like I have to let it out so I'll feel better although I promised that I won't be crying anymore. I just couldn't help it. 

No one can truly understand how I feel and been through unless she/he/they was in the same situation as I am. 

Until today, I still think of him once in a while and no doubt I really miss him. I do wonder sometimes why he was the one to get the infection. Why him! 

I know that God has plan for me and maybe he was not meant to be my baby boy. So I leave it to fate and of course I'll try again and hoping for the best for the next pregnancies. 

It was a lifetime dreadful experience that I'll never forget. 

I'm grateful that I have all the support I needed by my husband, family members and friends. Thank you! 

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Still feeling it..

Ever since that incident until now, I still think about him and feeling the pain of losing. It feels like I have lost a part of me.  Trying to be strong and putting everything in the past aren't easy but I have to. I know I have to but sometimes I feel that I don't want it to be the past. I want him to be the present and will always be mine. It hurts. 

Many things have changed ever since. I'm not being myself and I know I'm so moody and I get angry more often ever since. 

It feels like why does this happen to me instead of others. I always question why me why me why me. And sometimes why him why him why him. 

I know God has plans for us but it doesn't feel right to take away someone who belongs to me.

Ya ya maybe he doesn't belongs to me. I have been hearing that so damn many times but I just wonder why! 

If only I knew...

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Life is so unfair

What a start for the year of 2015. I have so many plans for this 2015 and for now EVERYTHING has changed. I'm totally devastated and I don't know how am I gonna get through this. It's one of the hardest moment for me and also for my family members. So many people are affected with this unfortunate event. But I'm trying to input this sayings into my brain; what's not meant to be yours, it won't be yours. 

I'm trying to move on and letting it go but for the moment I can't. You have no idea what I've been through. Trust me, it hurts so badly until you feel that you gonna collapse one day.  

I need to be strong which I can't but I'll try. I'm not ready to say it out loud on what am I going through. I need more time. Time will heal right?  But in this situation, I don't think that time will heal. It will not and it will never be..