Wednesday, March 11, 2015

To let him go..

Exactly two months since he left...

It was a traumatic event for me, I would say. 

I delivered my little baby boy prematurely at 27weeks (11th Jan @ 0946am) because I was having leakage due to infection. It was an unforgettable experience for me since it was my 1st pregnancy. It happened so fast..

My baby boy was so small and under weight when he was delivered. Moreover, he was born prematurely. And I was briefed by the gynae and doctors that there's risk for premature babies. Of course, I understood as I did my research before hand just in case. And also my baby will be placed in the incubator for almost 3months. 

So I have been praying ever since that my baby boy is a healthy little baby and he will be just fine and I can bring him home once he gained the desired weight. 

So the delivery was quick but hard. Heard my baby boy cried. And everything  seemed to be going smoothly. I was so tired after delivery because I was fasting the night before as the nurse wanted to do a glucose test. 

Since my baby boy was premature, the nurses quickly brought him away for a quick check on him and brought him to the NICU to put him into the incubator. I didn't have the opportunity to hold him and I truly regretted it until now. 

The 1st few days, my baby boy was in the incubator doing just fine and healthy. He even responded to us when we talked to him, smiled at us and moved around when we touched him. It was such an amazing feeling. 

We went to the JPN a few day after labour to register him and we got his birth certificate. We were so happy that we have the perfect name for him.

During his stay in the incubator, he got infected with infection but he was on antibiotics and he seemed less active compared to the 1st few days. So I prayed every day and night for his well being. 

Until on the 20th Jan, where he got infected with an infection which was too strong for his immune system to fight it and the doctor said he won't be able to make it because the infection has gone all the way to his brain. The doctor also said that now he is still breathing because of the oxygen support he is getting. 

I still remember the exact words the doctors said and everything. It's still so fresh in my brain. My husband and I broke down when the doctors said that. 

Eventually, we need to put out the oxygen support breathing and let him go in peace rather than suffering. He was having fits when the infection went all the way to his brain. Seeing your very own son in that state really hurts and what hurts the most was we have to decide to put out the breathing support. 

It was so devastating because there's nothing we can do but to let him go. 

And we did it. Before he left us, we had a chance to hold him in our arms, kissed him and talked to him. It was our 1st and last time holding him. I still remember how does his skins feel like, how big was his eyes and how perfect he was. He was our perfect little baby boy. 

My perfect little baby boy, Titus Choi has left us on the 20th Jan @ 9pm. 

I truly believe that he is at a better place now. No matter what, he will never forgetten and always be missed dearly by us. 

I cried when I was writing this post and I feel like I have to let it out so I'll feel better although I promised that I won't be crying anymore. I just couldn't help it. 

No one can truly understand how I feel and been through unless she/he/they was in the same situation as I am. 

Until today, I still think of him once in a while and no doubt I really miss him. I do wonder sometimes why he was the one to get the infection. Why him! 

I know that God has plan for me and maybe he was not meant to be my baby boy. So I leave it to fate and of course I'll try again and hoping for the best for the next pregnancies. 

It was a lifetime dreadful experience that I'll never forget. 

I'm grateful that I have all the support I needed by my husband, family members and friends. Thank you! 


Elsa Atira said...

Hey rhae naa, i know that i've never experienced what you had to go through but i would like to send my condolences to you and your family. I hope you will stay strong. Your son is definitely in a good place right now and i hope there will be more abundance of joy coming towards you and your family...

Victoria said...

Hey Elsa! Sorry for not replying your comment sooner. I would like to thanks you and I'm doing much better already. Thanks once again :)